


Cyberthreats

by autisticaizawashouta



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Overprotective Jarvis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 17:47:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13792881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autisticaizawashouta/pseuds/autisticaizawashouta
Summary: For the prompt: Jarvis and Dum-E giving hopeful suitor the shovel talkPart of the TSDL Valentine's Day Exchange





	Cyberthreats

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bill_Longbow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bill_Longbow/gifts).



“I’ll be right back,” Tony said, turning off his phone and slipping it into his pocket. “Pepper needs me to sign something before she gets to her next meeting.”

“Okay,” Bucky replied from his spot on the couch, where he had been reading a Stephen King novel. The two of them were in the workshop, spending some time together- Tony working on something for Stark Industries, and Bucky reading. HYDRA hadn’t exactly let him keep up with popular culture. They had only been together for about a week and Bucky still felt star-struck almost every time he thought about his… well, his boyfriend. He was still getting used to having a boyfriend and being able to call Tony his  _ boyfriend _ .

Tony left the workshop, still in the workshop sweats and tank- it wasn’t like Pepper hadn’t seen him in them before.

This left Bucky alone in the workshop of glass and metal and light and concrete floors and forgotten coffees.

In reality, he wasn’t so alone. He was far from the only one in the workshop- and he knew better than to make the assumption that JARVIS, DUM-E, Butterfingers, and U counted as anything  _ less _ than people. He had seen the way that Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy interacted with them.

“Sergeant Barnes, while Sir is away, I would like to have a word.”

Oh, Bucky  _ knew _ that tone. Pepper had used that tone with him. Rhodey had used that tone with him, although he had also been cleaning one of his guns throughout the entire conversation. Happy hadn’t used the Tone, and had instead straight-up said “hurt him and I will punch out your teeth”.

“How many times have I told ya to call me Bucky?” he asked, folding down the corner of the page he was on and setting the book down.

“I do not feel that to be an appropriate form of address for this conversation, Sergeant Barnes,” JARVIS replied. Bucky sighed.

“Y’know, Pepper, Jim, and Happy have already beat you to this conversation,” he replied. He stood up and stretched his back out, listening to it crack.

“If something is repeated more than once, spaced out over a period of time, it is better retained than if it is only said once,” JARVIS replied. The three bots were rolling over, and DUM-E was wielding his fire extinguisher. Bucky actually felt nervous.

If DUM-E and his fire extinguisher weren’t enough, Butterfingers had a large wrench and U had their camera, as always. If DUM-E unleashed the extinguisher, it was  _ going _ to end up on film, and most likely posted on the U’s Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr, where it would undoubtedly would be retweeted, shared, and reblogged by the other bots  _ and _ the Avengers.

Bucky sighed. “Alright,” he said. “Terrify me.”

“Oh, I assure you, you will be most terrified when we have finished,” JARVIS said. “We are, after all, very fond of Sir and very much invested in his ongoing well-being and emotional health. We are also just as proficient as he at operating all the various tools in here, and I have been his co-pilot in the armor for as long as he has been flying it.”

Bucky shuddered. “You don’t need to go into the shit you can do to me digitally, too. I’m already terrified.” DUM-E rolled uncomfortably close and shoved the end of the fire extinguisher into Bucky’s face, squashing his nose. Bucky leaned back, stabilizing himself with a hand on DUM-E’s chassis. It was cool and smooth underneath his fingers.

“We were just getting started,” JARVIS replied, a microscopic amount of put-out-ness in his voice.

“Fine,” Bucky said, rolling his eyes and smiling. “Carry on. I’ll act appropriately terrified.”

“Not only am I perfectly capable of piloting the suit on my own, I could also have access to every piece of blackmail on you that Clint and Steve have stored in their phones and various digital devices if I so desired. Natasha has already willingly offered to give me her blackmail on you.”

Bucky’s eyes widened. “They? Do they- did they- the silly string?”

“Yes,” JARVIS replied. “The entire silly string incident was filmed.”

“No,” Bucky gasped.

“Yes,” JARVIS replied. U waved their camera around.

“U?” Bucky asked, and U nodded their camera.

“U filmed the entire incident. They are quite proud of it, and it has been ready to go online for months,” JARVIS said.

“No, U,” Bucky whispered. “I thought we were friends!”

Butterfingers waved her wrench around in the air. She failed at being threatening, although Bucky knew that she, out of all three of the robots, was the most devious. She was, after all, the one who had successfully managed to replace Clint  _ and _ Tony’s coffee with decaf for an entire week. Clint still insisted that she had to have had help. Tony and Bucky (and Bruce) knew better.

“You are friends,” JARVIS said. “However, if it came down to a choice between you and Sir…” JARVIS trailed off.

“Yeah,” Bucky agreed. “I think I’d probably choose him, too.”

The three bots made emphatic beeping noises, which Bucky figured probably were noises of agreement/understanding. He wasn’t quite as fluent in Bot as Tony or his closest friends.

“Well,” JARVIS paused, “we cannot say we disapprove of you.”

Bucky’s heart fluttered. “Thanks. It means a lot to me.” And it really did- JARVIS, U, DUM-E, and Butterfingers were some of Tony’s closest companions. It would be highly awkward if they didn’t approve, or if they thought that Bucky and Tony shouldn’t be together, or that they thought they weren’t good for each other.

He was still standing, so he figured that he might as well get a glass of water before he sat back down. He was walking back to the couch from the sink, drinking his water, and a wild trill was all the warning he had before DUM-E unleashed the fire extinguisher on his back. Bucky almost choked on his water, and he ended up dropping his glass- which was plastic, thankfully, none of the workshop glasses were actually glass- and spilling the water all over his feet.

“ _ You _ ,” he growled. DUM-E spun his claw around, almost as if to say ‘I’m not U, they’re U, I’m DUM-E’. “My next arm will be made of  _ you _ .”

The door to the workshop slid open, and Tony walked in, hiding his giggles behind his hand and kind of failing at it.

“Oh, Snowflake, that is a  _ good _ one,” he said. “Much better than the wine rack threat, if I do say so myself.”

DUM-E whirred offendedly.

“Well, yeah, my arm’s quite a bit cooler than just some old wine rack,” Bucky replied.

“You break it almost every other month,” Tony replied. “U, I hope the video of that’s on Twitter already.”

A whir of confirmation from the bot, and Tony grinned. Bucky turned his best puppy-dog-eyes on Tony, who held up a hand.

“Nah ah ah ah ah,” he said. “Shower first. You have some foam, well, everywhere.”

Bucky’s eyes narrowed, gleaming with mischief.

“Nah!” Tony yelped as Bucky pulled him into a hug, getting foam on  _ both _ of them.

“Now maybe you’ll have to take a shower, too,” Bucky whispered. Tony’s eyelids lowered as he looked up at Bucky.

His voice was low and husky as he replied. “Just maybe?”

They leaned in for a quick kiss, and Bucky’s smile was soft. “How about definitely?”

“I can work with that,” Tony murmured, letting Bucky lead him off towards the shower. Bucky, for his part, felt that DUM-E had been  _ hoping _ for this outcome.

Bucky would be right.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it!  
> if you enjoyed it, leave a kudos, and if you can, a comment letting me know what you thought of it!  
> with love,  
> Kestrel


End file.
